Dear Diary,

I’m not sleeping.

Again.

Or maybe still.

My brain just won’t stop buzzing long enough.

I go to bed tired, and then it starts.

Worse than Bloom County’s monsters under the bed or anxieties in the closet, for me it’s Excel spreadsheets, lists, and charts that whirl around in my head.

Once I do eventually fall “asleep” (in parentheses for a reason), they’re right there in my dreams.

No rest for the compulsively organized, I guess.

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I don’t remember if I had trouble sleeping as a young child. In his speech at Ted’s and my wedding my godfather described me as an overly serious child and a worrier; maybe I was just tired. Certainly by my senior year in high school I was writing imaginary final exams in my head while lying in bed at night instead of sleeping – a trend that continued in my university years.

Once I was out in the work world, sleep was especially elusive on the night before big sales pitches, or when contract proposals were due, or when I had a talk to deliver.

There was a short respite when our sons were babies (I think I was just so exhausted that my brain realized I absolutely had to sleep in the snatches of time between babies’ nocturnal wakings), and I seem to remember sleeping during the few short years that I stayed home with them, but then once I went back to work my brain seemed to switch back on. I needed, and loved, the stimulation of helping to tweak class lists and create timetables, of managing complex budgets and creating accounting processes, but it wasn’t long before my dreams were all about numbers – when they weren’t about issues on our condo board.

Of course, I’ve always lain awake on the night before a flight, repacking our suitcases in my head, second-guessing clothing choices, and worrying about whether we’d sleep through our alarms (always two alarms, five minutes apart – and no chance that I’d sleep through since I wouldn’t be asleep!).

Right now, it’s travel planning for our 5 month round-the-world trip that’s keeping me awake. I’m not stressed about it, but until it’s “done” my brain just won’t quit thinking about tickets, schedules, and accommodations. At 2:00 a.m. today, having gone to bed at 11:00 p.m. last night and lain awake, despite my eyes being closed, I finally couldn’t resist picking up my phone and checking our online credit card statement to make sure our airline ticket charge had posted.

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I set aside all of August on our social calendar to ensure I had plenty of time to research all our options, but of course once I got started booking places to stay I got hooked.

I’ll be almost completely done by the end of the first week of the month.

That leaves waiting for January 5th to roll around. Fortunately, we have three fairly major trips booked between now and then. They’ve been finalized for months, leaving only packing lists to keep me awake.

I’m sure my brain will come up with something…

Funnily enough, the one night I remember sleeping really well was the night before Ted’s and my wedding. Despite all the family drama that preceded the event, knowing that we’d be committing ourselves to spending our lives together was the most secure and peaceful feeling I’ve ever had. No stress at all. (The stresses of the actual day are a whole other story, but all’s well that ends well!)

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And so, dear Diary, despite having a head full of potential European and UK hotel bookings, it’s off to bed in a couple of hours to try again…